The Democratic Debate in Haiku

Anderson Cooper

Is in a serious mood

His glasses say so

_______________________

The jumbotron set

Makes it look like a game show

Miss the big ass plane

________________________

Does CNN see

Their facebook logo placement?

Someone ****ed it up

_______________________

Cheryl Crow can sing

She even hit the high notes

(The tight pants might help)

________________________

I know it’s sexist

But I wore Hillary’s suit

When I was pregnant

______________________

I love you Bernie

But who pees in your cornflakes

Every damn morning?

______________________

Who is this Jim Webb

He was once my senator?

Uhm. Yes. I knew that.

_______________________

Martin O’Malley

Says that he fixed Baltimore

What about those O’s?

_______________________

Hey Lincoln Chafee

Nineteen seventy nine called

Want their yardsticks back

_____________________

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah Working people

Democrat Intro

___________________

Bernie Sanders says

Congress speaks like Eskimos

Thousand words for “no”

____________________

Wedded to the polls?

Hillary asks for numbers

“I’ll get back to you”

______________________

Martin endorsed Hill

‘I’m allowed to change my mind

Just like you change yours’

______________________

Our first Trump mention

“I may be a barker but

I own the circus”

_______________________

Chafee asks for slack

We don’t care that your Dad died

If it was your dog…..

___________________

I don’t care about

Hillary’s emails either

Let’s all unsubscribe

___________________

And I still don’t know

Anything about Jim Web

But he can tell time

__________________

Hillary is asked

How she’ll differ from Barack

“Pee breaks take more time.”

____________________

This is so civil

There’s nothing to make fun of

I need more cowbell

_____________________

If O’Malley wins

I really hope he invades

New York’s Trump Tower

_______________________

What is Communist

Versus Social Democrat?

Putin bores Bernie

______________________

Jim Webb gets to speak

And what does he choose to say?

Yup. I killed a dude.

_______________________

Damn, I’ll never know

Which chick they’d put on the ten

Who will I vote for?

______________________

And Twitter weighs in

Martin won’t be president

But the man’s a DILF

______________________

Huckabee live tweets

And I trust him like I trust

His foot near his mouth

_______________________

That’s all I got folks

Until we get the next round

On the 28th

Advertisements

Haiku News Review

GOP rallies

Should use classical music

Dead artists can’t sue

________________________

Donald Trump’s all heart

“We should help the refugees

Just send the ‘good ones’.”

________________________

Serena loses

Venus offers Lifesavers

“You got a whole roll?”

_______________________

Mike Huckabee thinks

Dred Scott’s the “law of the land”

Is that Common Core?

_______________________

Late Night cheers Biden

Funny, everyone likes him–

Now that he won’t run

_______________________

Redbook’s new cover

Featured true sized “real women”

And a workout plan

_______________________

Hillary, if you

Want to keep emails secret?

Teenage IT team

________________________

Fat-shaming people

Is your first amendment right

But you’re still a jerk

________________________

If a weatherman

Can pronounce that Welsh town name

Please say nu-cle-ar?

________________________

Rick Perry drops out

I wonder if Lenscrafters

Will give a refund

________________________

The Pittsburgh Steelers

Say the Patriots cheated

Football caucus race

The Mobyjoe Cafe Weekly News Roundup – Week of 3/15

Ab-tastic Rep is forced to quit
Because he overspent a bit
His office looks like Downton Abby
While the voters paid his tabby
But he’ll always find employ
As Men’s Health’s favorite cover boy

______________________________

Starbucks tackles race relations
By prompting in-line conversations
Sorry if I sound real mean,
But I don’t chat before caffeine

______________________________

A rider to a slavery bill
Wreaks havoc up on Capitol Hill
For every woman should be free
Unless you’re talking pregnancy
Sure, Human trafficking’s an abomination
Still, let’s stall Lynch’s nomination
No bill should languish, doomed to molder
And neither should poor Eric Holder

______________________________

A runner at a New York meet
Swept a bystander off her feet
Unfortunately, the gesture was less than loving
Think–more like a high-speed shoving
Neither party was injured
And “wham-sauced” is now my favorite word
______________________________

Wall Street bites its nails and waits
While the Fed reviews the interest rate
But they aren’t the only nervous fretters
It’s time for college admission letters
Both Moms and bankers look for signs
And try to read between the lines
While figuring out how much to hoard
To pay for things they can’t afford

______________________________

Netanyahu’s re-elected
Not the outcome pols expected
Yet the news creates less racket
Than Obama’s b-ball bracket
But neither headline hopes to top
Bruce Jenner’s coming gender swap

______________________________

Robin Thicke’s back on the market
His ex-wife told him where to park it
Although he wooed her, undeterred
I guess some lines aren’t all that blurred

______________________________

Ashley Judd is fighting back
‘Gainst Twitter trolls bent on attack
She called out b-ball “dirty play”
And that is where she went astray
For trash talk is a dude’s domain
Male twitterverse has made it plain
She deserved the hate-sex drumming
Because, you know, she had it coming
(Threats are a first amendment exception
So let’s clear up that misconception)
The law may give you all a pass,
But if I was your mother, I’d ground your ass

______________________________

Sports reporters can’t be trusted
My NCAA bracket is already busted
Since it’s freed a ton of time up
I’m starting my fantasy baseball lineup

______________________________

Just remember….
Just when the world is looking bleak
We get to start a brand new week
The news is ours to create
So go out there and make it great

The Mobyjoe Cafe News Roundup – The week of 3/1

Obama care goes to debate
Nine justices decide its fate
The next dispute they’ll lay to rest?
The color of that effing dress

____________________________________________________

Google may rank hits by veracity
Their algorithms show perspicacity
Some sites may have to think anew
I wonder what Fox News will do?

____________________________________________________

Netanyahu meant no offense
But offers up his recompense
If it keeps him in the club
He’ll take Joe Biden’s shoulder rub

____________________________________________________

Hillary has secrets galore
And now her email hides much more
Will this gaffe be her downfall?
At least she doesn’t “reply all”

_____________________________________________________

Congress funds the DHS
But does so under great duress
The only place where they concur
Is how much their next raise is for

______________________________________________________

K-Cups’ inventor shows regret
For spawning a pollution threat
But not as much as he laments
Forgoing payment by percent

_______________________________________________________

Climate change is one big hoax
Says the anti-science folks
Whatever the cause may be
This ******* winter’s agony

________________________________________________________

In 2018, the circus grants
Amnesty to elephants
But Ringling’s not forgiven yet
For elephants never forget

_______________________________________________________

Tsarnaev’s trial has commenced
One hopes that justice is dispensed
The marathon continues on
Because the city is Boston Strong

Taken from the Headlines – Straight from the llama’s mouth


“We were surrounded by a gang of ****ing humans. What would you do, invite them to tea?” So says Black Llama, one half of Sun City Arizona’s famous camelid pair, now safe in their home corral after spending an hour roaming the city on hoof. Startled by the closing of a trailer door, the two llamas booked for open ground, evading their handler, area police, a posse of well-meaning residents waving romaine, and a visor-wearing woman, who for some reason thought running towards a llama waving her hands about like a madwoman was a viable strategy.

“Trailer door my ass. I saw daylight. That was enough for me. Did you see visor-woman? Let’s just say she wasn’t exactly a llama whisperer.” Black Llama accentuated his outrage with a derisive snort. “The best part had to be the search chopper. Must have been a slow news day. We went for a canter, people. It’s not like we killed someone.” After a pause, he added, “Guess I should be glad they were only armed with lassos and lettuce.”

White Llama, his partner in non-crime nodded from the sidelines. Still skittish from their earlier encounter, throughout our discussion, she occasionally checked the sky for hovering onlookers. Black Llama gave her a reassuring lean, then said as an aside, “Thank goodness Amazon doesn’t have drones yet. We’d have to put her on Valium.”

When reminded that he ran from the same rancher who gave him food and shelter, Black Llama scoffed at the idea. “It’s not like he invented grass. He’s not even Peruvian. He’s a retiree from Jersey or something, I don’t remember.” He nudged me with his nose. “Come on. Think about it. ‘How about a trip to Sun City?’ sounds like a euphemism if I ever heard one.”

“We have trust issues. Can you blame us?” said White Llama, finally joining our conversation. She checked the area for eavesdroppers, and the sky once more, just for good measure. “Just a few months ago the human said, ‘maybe you’d like a  trim?’ I agreed to a half inch just to get rid of the split ends, maybe a sleek blow-out. Next thing you know, I look like a poodle. Bangs are NOT a good look for me, and the awkward grow-out phase took forever.”  She stifled a sob. “I did not sign up for this.”

Black Llama doled out the low-down. “When the human asks if you want to do something, it’s not really a question, and nothing good is coming. Especially when he uses the voice.” To demonstrate, he squished up his face and said, in a sing-song, “Who wants to go for a ride in the trailer? That’s right! You!”

White Llama shuddered. “I hate the voice. It is the harbinger of doom.”

Black Llama rolled his lip, baring a sizable set of teeth. “The stupid dog falls for it every time. He doesn’t even need a harness. He just hops right in the truck.” He gestures at a hound rolling a well-loved tennis ball around the corral with his nose. “Sucker.” The dog looked up briefly, then went back on task, moving the tennis ball another few feet.

Black Llama continued. “We know it’s either a show or a shot, and frankly, I’m not sure which one I hate more. It’s a sick game of would-you-rather. Stand still for one sharp poke that lasts a few seconds, or a million little pokes over a three hour time frame. Either way, it’s a pain in the ass.”

“And when it’s all done, the human gushes ‘you’re such a good llama’. Like I give two shits.” White Llama’s use of the voice devolves into a verbal sneer.

“You usually do, and then some,” countered Black Llama, which elicited a embarrassed titter from his partner.

White Llama nodded toward Black Llama “He’s the clever one. I’m the pretty one.”

Her smile faded and she looked toward something in the distance only she could see. Her voice was a whisper. “I almost made it.” Perhaps it was the shadow of hope. “I’m not asking for much. A green pasture, clean water, some sunshine, and not having three dudes in a pickup following behind me while trying to throw a lasso over my head. Comprenderme?”

“Don’t listen to these two. They’re dramallamas.” The third llama (now known as the llama that stayed at home or Llama TSAH), who stayed in the trailer while White Llama and Black Llama went on the run, chewed on a wad of grass while speaking. “We were going to walk hallways and let people pet us. Big deal.”

Black Llama snapped at the Llama TSAH. “No one asked you.” He turned back to me. “Petting is for dogs.”  Just as he finished speaking, the dog sauntered past me to bring the ball to the approaching rancher.

The rancher stopped and the dog dropped the ball at his feet. The farmer bent over both knees and sang, “Who’s a smart boy? You are! Yes you are!” and winged the ball over the fence to the next yard. The dogs ears flapped as he ran.

The rancher made his approach, calling to me with a friendly voice. “Nice creatures, llamas. Smart, too. Not as smart as the dog, though. He comes back when I call him.”

Black Llama gave me a knowing look. “I rest my case.” He sighed. “I deserve a little dignity.”

Well said, Black Llama. Don’t we all.