The Ten Commandments for Using My Car

tencommandmentsI am the car owner, thy mother, and I have brought you out of my lady parts after eighteen hours and limited access to pain medication into the land of motor vehicles.

1. Thou shalt not drive when your judgment is  impaired in any way. At this rate, you might get to use the car when you’re thirty.

2. Thou shalt keep your hands on the wheel at all times. This includes texting, eating, and fondling your girlfriend or yourself. I know how well you multitask.

3. Your passengers shalt keep their hands off your wheel at all times (if you catch my drift). That only turns out well in the movies. In reality, say hello to the ditch. Not that I have personal experience with that.

4. You shalt not drink Caramel Frappuchinos in the vehicle.  Last week my steering wheel was stickier than a movie theater floor after The Spongebob Movie. This is especially true if you don’t have a Grande Skim Latte for your mother.

5. After picking up food at McDonald’s, thou shalt air out the car and spray with Febreeze (provided in trunk).  The same goes for dining at Chipotle, or after playing basketball in 90 degree heat. No, Axe does not take care of that.

6. Thou shalt not leave the radio turned up to 11 to scare the crap out your mother when she starts the car. If you do, when your friends come over, she will pipe NPR through the household audio system. Upon the second offense, she will rap Snoop Dogg. On the third, look out Beyonce–girl can dance. Or at least she will.

7. Thou shalt not leave discarded chewing gum in the cupholder. The same goes for straw wrappers, sunflower seed shells and used tissues. If you do, I shall instruct the cats to deposit their hairballs on your pillow.

8. Thou shalt not use my trunk as your laundry bin. If I find wet towels in my backseat, you will find your Dad’s dirty underwear in your beach bag.

9. Thou shalt not return the car on fumes. It’s only like leaving an empty Cheez-it box in the pantry, if running out of Cheez-its left you stranded on the shoulder of I-495. You have a gas card. Use it for something other than buying beef jerky from the convenience store.

10. The Golden Rule – Thou shalt treat the Prius as if it was your own, because someday, it may be. Because if this family gets a new car, it’s mine.

Just remember, if you want the keys to the kingdom, they’re in my pocket. My will be done.

Photograph – The Ten Commandments, by John Taylor © 2010 Creative Commons/Flickr

12 comments on “The Ten Commandments for Using My Car

  1. aviets says:

    Brilliant. We had our kids sign driving contracts as they got their licenses, but they weren’t nearly as interesting as this one… -Amy

    • Hi Amy! We did the serious contract as well, as did our insurance agent. Strangely, my son does not find me nearly as funny as you do. 🙂

      • aviets says:

        Hahahaha. My experience has been that our son thought I was much funnier, more interesting, and more worthy of respect after he had a year away at college. I’m proud of myself for improving my character so exponentially over the time he was away.

  2. Heather says:

    I really love this! It should be posted everywhere!

  3. Hilarious! I didn’t notice that my son was wiping his greasy McDoodle-eatin’ fingers on the side of the driver’s seat until it started turning black. There was a bit of detailing work for that boy to do.

  4. MGB says:


  5. I just got my car back when my 19 year old son joined the Army. Wish I’d had this a year ago! Brilliant!

  6. Ah, Jeannine – always a breathe of fresh air! I had so hoped we’d get to retreat together this summer (which was by all accounts stellar) . . . but I’ll content myself with reading your wonderfully on-target, poignant, wish-I-had-written-them-myself words meanwhile. For joy!!! Sounds like you’re navigating The Dude’s teen years with aplomb, humor and a firm hand. Not that I’d expect anything less, mind you! Thank you for all the inspiring sharing. Sarah

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