She is one mean Mother

IMG_0656I grew up in Michigan. I lived in Chicago for ten years, and in Boston for another five. I should be able to laugh in the face of winter. Instead, winter is laughing at me. We’ve had a record number of snow days and late school starts this year, and I suspect we aren’t done yet.

After cursing out the weatherman, I thought perhaps I was being unfair, shooting the messenger. So I went to the source.  I told Mother Nature to go **** herself, twice.

Remember that old Chiffon commercial? Let’s just say she was not pleased.

Jeannine, are you telling me how to do my job? I’m just asking because I know how much you like it when people tell you how to do yours.

I didn’t tell you how to do your job. I merely gave you a suggestion for how to spend your free time.

Just for that, I’m going to wait until your husband is in Las Vegas and let ‘er rip. You do know how to run the snowblower, don’t you?

I have a tendency to flood the engine. Every time. Anyhow, isn’t this what I had children for?

Does your son know how to run the snowblower?

Come to think of it, the Dude doesn’t know how to run the dishwasher and all he has to do is push one button.

Then I’d be a little more judicious about tossing around pejoratives if I was you.

Aren’t you getting a little bored of snow, day after day? I know I am. Variety is the spice of life, right? I’d love a little caliente right now.

Fine, I’ll toss in a little sleet, just for fun. You do have your tree guy on speed dial, don’t you?

That’s just cruel.

Think of it as family time. A stay-cation in Siberia.

At this rate, my son will be in school until July.

At which point you’ll thank me.

Fair point.

Until then, I’ll take your suggestion, sort of.

I’m not following.

Why go **** myself when it’s so much more fun to **** with you. Oh look, it’s snowing! Isn’t it pretty? Call off school!

Can this get any worse?

Hey Mom! Is there anything in the house to eat?

I had to ask.

Maybe someday you’ll learn to keep your thoughts to yourself.

I’ll get right on that. After I clear out the driveway.


J.B. Everett


One comment on “She is one mean Mother

  1. She can bite me. I’ve had it with her!

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