A Conversation with my Fitbit

fitbitCongratulations! You have taken 5426 steps today. That’s 54% of your goal!

Awesome, and it’s only my first day.

But it’s 5:00. Shouldn’t you be walking or something?

I forgot  to put you on this morning. Cut me some slack.

That’s what they all say. Get moving.

I went to the grocery store without you. Don’t you think I walked a few steps doing that?

Says you. Do you have any corroborating witnesses to attest to the number of steps you took?

Never mind.

That’s what I thought.

I also ran with my husband. Two miles, as I recall.

That’s already included, which, by the way, means you really need to get walking.

It was really cold out. Did I mention that, Fitbit? I went running when it was really cold out.

Cry me a river. But please walk while you’re doing it. I don’t want to have the same talk with you an hour from now.

What about housework? I climbed the stairs 22 times in the last three hours. That’s laundry, cleaning, and poor planning. Doesn’t that get some type of multiplier? I also spent an hour ironing my husband’s shirts.

Did you walk in place while ironing?

Blink. Blink.

You aren’t helping yourself here.

 

Listen here, Fitbit. I’m a writer, so I’m writing. That’s what writers do. It sort of a sedentary job.

Hemingway was a writer, and he got up from his desk for a shot of  something at least once every hour or so. He also ran with bulls.

Only once a year. The running with the bulls part, that is. I run three days a week. I also drink three days a week. It’s healthier that way.

Look, I’m the Fitbit, not the Bentbit, and did I mention, you’ve taken 5426 steps today. That’s 54% of your goal! That’s an “F” by the way. The programmers make me put the exclamation point in.

Man, that’s harsh. You knew that would get to me, didn’t you.

Listen sunshine, if you can’t walk and talk at the same time, shut up.

Fine.

Congratulations! You’ve climbed one set of stairs today! That’s the equivalent of the world’s tallest cornstalk.

Words by J. B. Everett

Photograph by Pete Markham © 2012 Creative Commons

 

 

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21 comments on “A Conversation with my Fitbit

  1. Meena Rose says:

    This is fantastically hilarious. I have had many conversations.

  2. […] A Conversation with my Fitbit. […]

  3. Alex H. says:

    This was hilarious. And after reading this (I had never heard of fitbit until now) I’m going to buy one next week 😛 Thanks!

  4. MGB says:

    Terrific! Quite funny…

  5. Khara House says:

    I laughed out loud. I avoid these conversations with my Zumba Fitness set by covering it with junk. It’s currently screaming at me (quite profanely, by the way) from under a pile of junk mail.

  6. Hilarious!!!! This is how I used to feel about my Wii Fit, especially when it would sarcastically say “That’s obese.” Cheeky little thing.

  7. Anne Kimball says:

    Love this Jeannine. But though the Fitbit sounds like a great idea in theory, if mine sassed me thataway I’d have to pop a cap in its ass. Just sayin’.

    Thanks for linking this up with the TALU!

  8. Too funny! I can’t say I’ve had any conversations with mine, but I did get a pedometer to see where I fall on the 10,000 steps a day scale. Yup … keep forgetting to put it on! [#TALU]

  9. Gerry Wilson says:

    Hilarious, Jeannine! I don’t think I’ll be getting a smart-aleck Fitbit anytime soon. Loved finding this at TALU.

  10. Fitbit really sounds like the the people in my head I call Me, Myself & I. We go back and forth like that especially when it comes to diet and exercise. I am neutral, Me is optimistic and Myself is pessimistic. We take turns whose gonna be what 😉 TALU

  11. Lara Britt says:

    Goals…love “em, hate ’em…let them be entertaining, that’s all I ask. Talu-ho!

  12. Kerry says:

    Hahaha! Love it! I always feel like my FitBit is yelling at me if I don’t reach my daily goals. =)

    TALU

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