No need to call poison control. Joan will take care of it.

My evil twin, Joan

I may be snarky and sarcastic, but I’m a nice person. Honest. I get along with most people quite well.

Some situations and relationships, however, are toxic, and no amount of thoughtful questioning and demonstrations of positive intention will resolve the stress and conflict. That’s when I call Joan.

Joan is my evil twin.  Joan was born with a can of whup-ass in her hand and isn’t afraid to use it. Don’t test her.  She will take toxic people, perform some verbal origami, fold them into little table-hockey pucks and flick them across the room. “She shoots, she scores!” The crowd goes wild.

Joan first emerged at work. I suppose that shouldn’t be a huge surprise. I didn’t even know she existed until my coworkers told me about her. Apparently she was as amusing as she was aggressive.  My sense of humor is already acerbic. If Joan is my less gentle half, I’m surprised I have any friends left.

When I left the business world, Joan retreated. While I raised my son and began writing in earnest, she went to sun herself in the paradise of my imagination. She would pop up every so often for grins, just to remind me I can call on her if need be. Usually when I was teaching or at committee meetings. But she’d be there and gone in a flash, and I’d be back to normal after throwing nothing sharper than a well-aimed barb.

On Wednesday, however, she came out of retirement. Someone pushed me too far. Joan wanted to take the last straw off the camel’s back and give the person who put it there an alternate location for it, but interestingly, she’s learned a new strategy. She left the verbal assault behind and instead,  gave me the encouragement I needed to walk away.

She whispered in my ear–Does this get you where you want to go?


Then why on earth are you here, sunshine?

Good question.

So go home. You don’t even need to pick up the ball. Just go home. They can keep playing, but they can do it without you.

Maybe Joan is more reasonable than I give her credit for. I should bring her out more often.

Uhm. Who do you think writes Momaiku? Do me a favor. When you get around to querying the book, let me negotiate with agent, okay?

Stick with me Joan, and we’ve got a deal.


8 comments on “No need to call poison control. Joan will take care of it.

  1. Anne Wotring says:

    Big Smile there for Joan!
    I just love how many people can inhabit one body!

  2. Lara Britt says:

    Hey we all need a little Joan in our lives on occasion. I used to tell my daughters that we have Gorgon bloodlines. “Time to release the Gordon.” Most times, it does indicate that the battle is not worth waging. How many Pyrrhic trophies do we need on our mantles, anyway? Meanwhile, it’s nice to know, even if it is deep within yourself, that you are being kind out of generosity of spirit and not out of being a doormat. I think Joan deserves some dark chocolate and a glass of pinot noir for just hanging out on call.

  3. Veronica Roth says:

    I wish I could develop a Joan; mostly to deal with my grown children. Darn kids! The latest headache is Adam’s argument over hissy Morgan and his daughter, (my grandchild Ever). Joan would say, “Tough kid…take some responsibility for keeping your 2yr old away from my cat or go stay with your mother!” “NOW!” I like Joan.

    • Joan comes in handy, especially now that she seems to have developed some discretion. She used to leave a lot of scorched earth behind her. You may actually have a Joan and not realize it. I didn’t know about mine until others filled me in on her existence, as evil twins rarely show up in the same space we dwell in. They wait until our emotions are occupied elsewhere and swoop in to kick ass.

  4. elissa field says:

    Can you ask Joan to come speak to my boys about picking up their things, then speak to me about not dawdling at the computer? I could use a stern talking to, today.

    🙂 I loved this!

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